Rain Drops

Last night's rain drops hang on the Scotch Broom glistening like diamonds as the morning sun brakes through the clouds. I am reminded that without the rain, sunlight can not sparkle.

https://youtu.be/IoVfNZVBaqM

The Morning After

I love to sing, and I sing every day. It starts at about six in the morning with my vocal warm up. Luckily the cabin is far enough out in the woods that no one (Except my family. They are all singers to, so they understand.) can really hear it. I was struck by how it felt to sing today, the day after the spring recital of the voice studio where I study. All of the tension that had built up in anticipation of my performance was gone. It was like I had been pulling back the string of a bow and finally let the arrow soar. It seemed like I could do anything. My freedom was a manifestation of the struggle leading up to the recital. Had I not gone through all that worry, I wouldn't have had the release on the other end. The night before the recital, I was questioning why I do them in the first place. I thought the reason was what happens when I eventually sing the song. Now it seems that that isn't the reason after all. The real reason to do the recital is because of what I get after its all over.

Singing

Today is the spring recital for the voice studio where I take lessons. My teacher, Amanda Munton, is a great teacher, and that is one of the reasons why her recitals are always so hard for me. I don't want to let her down. I sing and play music a lot, but these recitals are the most challenging performances I do. Trying to figure out exactly why they are so hard, (last night while I was staring at the sealing trying to go to sleep) my thoughts turned to my favorite question, “In order to achieve what?”

My angst about these recitals is linked to something I stand for, something that matters to me. Not wanting to screw up is part of it, but I pushed myself to get back to the reason why I perform in the first place. One of my rules about the “in order to achieve what” question is that the answer has to be something that is in my control. So, what am I trying to achieve? It's not just getting the song right. If that was all it was, I could just choose and easy song. But I wanted to do this song. Why this song? Because it is about hope and possibilities.

And so the answer to the question is, “To sing this song.” That's all. It's not about getting the song right. It's about the song. I need to pay attention to the song, not my singing. Whether anyone else does isn't in my control. Nor is whether I let Amanda down. These thoughts will help me stay in what I'm doing in the moment; singing the song, not what might happen; screwing up the notes. That way I make it more likely that I will achieve what I set out to in the first place. Come to think of it, that's all Amanda would want me to do anyway.

Death

There are several reasons why my thoughts this morning are drawn to what my culture calls death. Though I have been taught to think of death as something to be avoided, I choose to think of death as a teacher. Death has taught me how to cherish this moment, since the next one is not guaranteed. Death has also taught me not to wait to tell people that I love them. “Someday” is not in my hand. Now is when I have the opportunity to do, to take action, to be. Today, I am grateful for the lessons death has taught me. I look froward to what comes next.

Feeling Good

I feel really good today. This reminds me of the importance of letting go. Getting hung up on any experience, including this one, would leave me stuck in the past, and missing what is happening in the moment. My letting go practice is always difficult, but especially at times like this. Feeling good is hard to let go of, but I remember that as happiness can turn into sadness, sadness can turn into happiness. Everything is a cycle intersecting with everything else. 

As seductive as it is to try to stay in feeling good, I know that keeping my head up and my eyes open will allow me to see what is possible, but just beyond my current experience. That's where I found “feeling good” in the first place.

Distractions

This morning I find myself distracted by many things, and it gets me thinking about distractions. I heard an old friend's voice on the radio a couple days ago, and I immediately started thinking about writing him. I hadn't though about this particular person for years, but hearing his voice brought him back to my attention. I was reminded of how I get most distracted by what is in front of me, in my local awareness. I see many intersecting spider webs on the dew soaked screen and I wonder what Spider was thinking or following when it made the web. A bird lights on a rose bush and I wonder what kind of bird it is. It happens all the time. I remember that I can make choices about many of the things that show up in the territory of my attention. Not the birds or the spiders, but I can choose to be outside where the birds are likely to show up. I can also choose to stair at my computer screen and wait to see what shows up. Without evaluating these options as better or worse, today I am simple remembering that I can make choices, and see where that leads me.